A MAN OF many talents, modesty being one of them, I have finally decided to bow to public pressure and make commercial capital out of one of them.
While many of my ‘blogs’ are throwaway splurges to assuage moments of boredom, I never fail to notice that I can, with concentration and sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth, write.
Throughout childhood and at school, English was always equal to Art, with many of my creative essays achieving praise from a particularly stern and forbidding English teacher.
Of course, my adolescence was besmirched by the false illusion of superstardom in a rock band for whom I wrote all the lyrics. It is now laughable, of course, that we called the band Time Warp and also that I willingly spurred nerdishness to greater heights by actually ‘designing’, in school exercise books, our ‘record covers’ for LPs whose recording and production seemed so certain to my puppyish, pimply imagination. The added disadvantage that the three main members of the band never actually played together never discouraged my fevered fantasy as I drew up tour schedules and outlined the interviews we would give Melody Maker and NME.
A more serious strand took over as I approached the exit from the teen years and a proper fascination with poet/folk singers helped me produce some lyrics which don’t actually make me vomit even today.
One halcyon summer, a friend and I virtually took over the radio station at The Royal Free Hospital with our own brand of comedy interviews. We knew no-one was listening but it was great fun and a learning experience writing and performing one comic interview a week.
The necessity for real work arrived, though, and marriage at a young age meant that the writing muse jumped ship for nearly fifteen years. This was with the exception of a couple of years of providing short one-liners to television’s Alas Smith and Jones which they never used.
Then a miracle happened. Punch Magazine collapsed. Seeing a gap in the market, I published, designed, edited and wrote much of Ha! (Humorous Arts) Magazine and we sold nearly 40% of all copies at independent newsagents around London. Five bi-monthly issues of this relaunched my writing ‘career’ and I started getting other work from small magazines, corporate newsletters and eventually editorship of Lifeguard for the Royal Life Saving Society UK.
Writing started pouring out of me. Short stories, comic poems, sketches, one liners for Radio 4′s Weekending, Radio 2′s News Huddlines, The Punt and Dennis Show; there was no stopping me.
This led to my brief comedy career with stand up comic poetry and cartoons.
I am now writing more stories and am working on a sitcom for a well-connected TV producer.
The key writing skills I have learned are:
• Avoid repetition
• Don’t repeat yourself (ho, ho)
• Don’t use a long word when a short one will do
• Write almost as if you are talking but make sure there is clarity, flow and even pacing
So, in conclusion, Gissajob! If there is anyone out there who would like me to take their rough copy and turn it into a mini-masterpiece of correct, compelling and completely clear English, just LET ME KNOW! I’m all fired up and ready to venture forth upon this new career!
SPECIAL OFFER! The first enquiry will NOT receive an invoice for my services.
Here’s what the lovely Linda Mattacks said about me earlier this year:
Because of his brilliant caricatures and cartoons, it’s easy to forget that Simon is also a writer.
Yet, when we met up yesterday, he took some copy I’d put together and swiftly and surgically removed all the unnecessary rubbish.
My new website devoted to Writing is taking shape HERE.
It was generously suggested to me by my friend and yours, Doug Jenner, that I take this step. Thank you Doug!
