1pr thick rubber gloves Rope, 2 foot. Meat cleaver Hacksaw Heavy duty plastic bags Swarfega Disinfectant Bleach Shovel Grass seeds Library for book on local beauty spots and book on theatrical make up Balaclava Black sweater Airline ticket to South America (one way).
YOUR DAILY LIFE is punctuated by a series of unbidden pronouncements, commands and warnings. Wherever you go you are warned to ‘keep off the grass’, ‘clean up after your dog’ (even if you only have a goldfish) and to not ‘play ball games’. It seems nigh on impossible to walk for five minutes without receiving [...]
THE AROMA OF greasy chips lifted me from an abstract reverie to confront the vision of a grossly overweight woman stuffing her face with fried food from a greaseproof bag. If you ever notice someone eating in public, apart from restaurants, you can bet your life savings that they will be fat. And you can [...]
THE SYMPOSIUM of Significance took place in Stuttgart at the weekend with many of the greatest names in thinking sharing their thoughts. The recent real life crises of volcanic ash disrupting air travel, Thai rebels in Bangkok and Cheryl Cole’s divorce were mulled over, debated and broken down into elemental philosophical formulae. Furtenburg said that [...]
THERE WAS A Peach Melba once that has never been equalled. I had it as a boy during a Christmas trip to Paris. The details of the drive to Paris, the hotel, the shops, The Mona Lisa in the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower and Midnight Mass at The Notre Dame Cathedral are all as nothing [...]
POOR LITTLE GIRL. Golden locks (of course). An only child, she lives with her malevolent stepmother which she finds useful for reaching things on high shelves. Her father, quite likely to be a Social Media Expert, is absent. Naturally, they all live in the woods far away from civilisation and wear costumes common to nineteenth [...]
THE BEST THINGS in life are free. Andrew Lloyd Webber is a genius. Not only does he have a haircut to die for, but he has also devised the most brilliant scam in entertainment history. The oleaginous Lord can’t waste time or money on running his own PR department. He certainly can’t fritter away hundreds [...]
22nd March 2010 SCRAMBLED EGGS and mushrooms on toast (brown) seems like the ideal way to start a week. I’ve often wondered what secrets I could uncover if I could only unscramble the eggs. Is that a face I can see in the intertwined, bubbly ovoid mixture? If it is, it’s Adrian Chiles whose resemblance [...]
15th March 2010 WHEN SOMEONE asks me ‘How Are You?’ I always reply automatically: ‘Fine thanks, how are you?’ That’s what they want to hear. I bend to the whims of social etiquette. NO LONGER! The beast within shall rear its ugly head and when someone asks me ‘How are you?’ I shall say: Well, [...]
8th March 2010 THERE’S A SHOP in the high street which advertises itself with the slogan ‘Helping You To Spend Less’. Well, that’s nice. My overdraft will appreciate that. So I went in and proceeded to spend less. In fact I spent nothing as there was absolutely nothing worth buying. So, for once, an advertising [...]