YOUR DAILY LIFE is punctuated by a series of unbidden pronouncements, commands and warnings. Wherever you go you are warned to ‘keep off the grass’, ‘clean up after your dog’ (even if you only have a goldfish) and to not ‘play ball games’. It seems nigh on impossible to walk for five minutes without receiving [...]
THE AROMA OF greasy chips lifted me from an abstract reverie to confront the vision of a grossly overweight woman stuffing her face with fried food from a greaseproof bag. If you ever notice someone eating in public, apart from restaurants, you can bet your life savings that they will be fat. And you can [...]
THE SYMPOSIUM of Significance took place in Stuttgart at the weekend with many of the greatest names in thinking sharing their thoughts. The recent real life crises of volcanic ash disrupting air travel, Thai rebels in Bangkok and Cheryl Cole’s divorce were mulled over, debated and broken down into elemental philosophical formulae. Furtenburg said that [...]
POOR LITTLE GIRL. Golden locks (of course). An only child, she lives with her malevolent stepmother which she finds useful for reaching things on high shelves. Her father, quite likely to be a Social Media Expert, is absent. Naturally, they all live in the woods far away from civilisation and wear costumes common to nineteenth [...]
THE BEST THINGS in life are free. Andrew Lloyd Webber is a genius. Not only does he have a haircut to die for, but he has also devised the most brilliant scam in entertainment history. The oleaginous Lord can’t waste time or money on running his own PR department. He certainly can’t fritter away hundreds [...]
PART ONE: THE MINISTRY of Clichés and Aphorisms (MOCA) gave me a bell. ‘I just want to touch base to run an idea by you, Jack,’ said Mr Armitage. ‘I’ll be there before you can say “Jack Robinson”,’ I lied. Actually, my name is Jack Robinson, so lots of people say it to me all [...]
I had the most embarrassing experience recently. You might think I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but, at the time I felt I was teetering on the edge of the Grand Canyon. There might have been greater misdemeanours in the history of mankind, but this suburban debacle threatened our friendship with Paula [...]
Trousers are very interesting. I’m wearing a pair even as I type this. They are very useful for covering the lower parts of the body for those occasions when it is unsuitable to be seen walking around town in just a string vest. You can have long trousers which come down to just above the [...]